Sunday, 25 May 2014
Saturday, 17 May 2014
ABBA STEPHANOS THE HERMIT,
In the wilderness of El Fayoum.
Listen my friends and I will tell you what I witnessed with my own eyes and heard with my own ears...
One day, I was wandering in the wilderness and meditating on its valleys, mountains, and many wild beasts which become tame to humans. So I gave thanks to the Lord... As I ventured through the wilderness, I noticed many different trees and springs. Under one of the trees I found a skull which had turned white from the extreme heat and cold of the wilderness climate. I glorified the Lord and wondered who this skull belonged to and what life that person lead. I wished it had a tongue so that it could reveal to me what it is now experiencing. I looked towards the east and prayed to God, asking him to reveal to me its secret.
Before I had finished my prayers I heard a voice calling, "Father Stephanos, listen to me and remember my words for it will be a warning to you and your brothers.Warn them about the fearful judgement day; woe to those who don't pray and are not vigilant, for in the great day of the resurrection of bodies, no brother will defend his brother, nor father his son, but faithful work and mercy will bring one closer to God. Prayer lightens up brightly like a lantern, so beware and do not tarry. Tell my words to all in the hope that they will learn and so avoid coming to the place where I am; in torment and unquenchable fire and restless worms... My story is that I was a greedy merchant and even though I had a lot of money and treasures, I envied everybody and never gave money to the poor. I had no mercy on anyone and never prayed. Nothing I did pleased or glorified the Lord. I had good sons who loved all people and carried out many acts of love and mercy. They advised me to do good, but I refused to listen and thus did not give them access to my money. But despite the fact that I had great possessions, I was never satisfied with what I had...
One day I travelled to a distant country, for the purpose of trading. I took camels and servants, and was prepared to spend time during my journey in an oasis. I hired a guide for direction and took lots of money and goods for trade.After one day of travelling through the wilderness, the guide lost his sense of direction, and so for three days we roamed about the wilderness, not knowing where we were going. Woe to him whom God is not his leader! The morning heat was scorching, so the camels died, the servants escaped and I was left alone. The love of worldly possessions and luxuries prevented me from seeking shelter in a cave, so I stayed for three more days eating from the food remaining, until there was nothing left. I felt as if I was about to die, and I was very disturbed at how quickly life was disappearing considering I had done no good deeds to save me, and I had no power to raise myself up out of my present misery.
The next day, my eyes became heavy, so that I could no longer see, and on the third day my eyes opened, and I saw a very frightening angel, holding a sword of fire and from his mouth he breathed fire. He ordered my soul to leave my body, and after grabbing it, he gave it to the devil. So they stabbed my soul with a fork and brought me to this place of torment where I was thrown and left alone... I saw in the bottomless pit an old man whom I knew in the world and his deeds were just as bad as mine...he too was being tormented. I asked him for what reason he was cast here, and he said, "My terrible deeds..."
Suddenly I heard great thunder which no one on earth could bear hearing, and there he was, the angel in charge of torment. He grabbed me and cast me into Hades, where I remain until this hour." I Stephanos asked him, "Can you see those in Paradise?" He answered, "No one can see them, for between us and them is an unmeasurable distance. Woe to me and that hour when neither money nor possessions nor children saved me... So take heed to my words Father Stephanos, never delay to do good or pray, and alert all people to my words. I was always disobedient to my parents, and a lover of worldly desires. I never lived according to the commandments, and never had faith in Jesus Christ, even though I knew all along that the Lord who came into this world was incarnated of the Virgin Mary, and was resented by His own. I knew that through faith, the Holy Baptism and the sacrament of Holy Communion one could be saved, but because of my pride, I refused to abide in them. Never neglect these gifts!" He repeated these words three times and said, "I have been ordered to speak these words to you!" Then he ceased to speak.
I, Stephanos, took the skull into the cave, dug a hole and buried it. I then went to my brethren and told them all the things which took place. Together we prayed and asked the Lord our God to make us worthy to live in obedience, according to His will; to live in the hope of eternal life with our Saviour Jesus Christ, which has been promised to us after the resurrection of the dead. To Him is everlasting glory, amen.
One day, I was wandering in the wilderness and meditating on its valleys, mountains, and many wild beasts which become tame to humans. So I gave thanks to the Lord... As I ventured through the wilderness, I noticed many different trees and springs. Under one of the trees I found a skull which had turned white from the extreme heat and cold of the wilderness climate. I glorified the Lord and wondered who this skull belonged to and what life that person lead. I wished it had a tongue so that it could reveal to me what it is now experiencing. I looked towards the east and prayed to God, asking him to reveal to me its secret.
Before I had finished my prayers I heard a voice calling, "Father Stephanos, listen to me and remember my words for it will be a warning to you and your brothers.Warn them about the fearful judgement day; woe to those who don't pray and are not vigilant, for in the great day of the resurrection of bodies, no brother will defend his brother, nor father his son, but faithful work and mercy will bring one closer to God. Prayer lightens up brightly like a lantern, so beware and do not tarry. Tell my words to all in the hope that they will learn and so avoid coming to the place where I am; in torment and unquenchable fire and restless worms... My story is that I was a greedy merchant and even though I had a lot of money and treasures, I envied everybody and never gave money to the poor. I had no mercy on anyone and never prayed. Nothing I did pleased or glorified the Lord. I had good sons who loved all people and carried out many acts of love and mercy. They advised me to do good, but I refused to listen and thus did not give them access to my money. But despite the fact that I had great possessions, I was never satisfied with what I had...
One day I travelled to a distant country, for the purpose of trading. I took camels and servants, and was prepared to spend time during my journey in an oasis. I hired a guide for direction and took lots of money and goods for trade.After one day of travelling through the wilderness, the guide lost his sense of direction, and so for three days we roamed about the wilderness, not knowing where we were going. Woe to him whom God is not his leader! The morning heat was scorching, so the camels died, the servants escaped and I was left alone. The love of worldly possessions and luxuries prevented me from seeking shelter in a cave, so I stayed for three more days eating from the food remaining, until there was nothing left. I felt as if I was about to die, and I was very disturbed at how quickly life was disappearing considering I had done no good deeds to save me, and I had no power to raise myself up out of my present misery.
The next day, my eyes became heavy, so that I could no longer see, and on the third day my eyes opened, and I saw a very frightening angel, holding a sword of fire and from his mouth he breathed fire. He ordered my soul to leave my body, and after grabbing it, he gave it to the devil. So they stabbed my soul with a fork and brought me to this place of torment where I was thrown and left alone... I saw in the bottomless pit an old man whom I knew in the world and his deeds were just as bad as mine...he too was being tormented. I asked him for what reason he was cast here, and he said, "My terrible deeds..."
Suddenly I heard great thunder which no one on earth could bear hearing, and there he was, the angel in charge of torment. He grabbed me and cast me into Hades, where I remain until this hour." I Stephanos asked him, "Can you see those in Paradise?" He answered, "No one can see them, for between us and them is an unmeasurable distance. Woe to me and that hour when neither money nor possessions nor children saved me... So take heed to my words Father Stephanos, never delay to do good or pray, and alert all people to my words. I was always disobedient to my parents, and a lover of worldly desires. I never lived according to the commandments, and never had faith in Jesus Christ, even though I knew all along that the Lord who came into this world was incarnated of the Virgin Mary, and was resented by His own. I knew that through faith, the Holy Baptism and the sacrament of Holy Communion one could be saved, but because of my pride, I refused to abide in them. Never neglect these gifts!" He repeated these words three times and said, "I have been ordered to speak these words to you!" Then he ceased to speak.
I, Stephanos, took the skull into the cave, dug a hole and buried it. I then went to my brethren and told them all the things which took place. Together we prayed and asked the Lord our God to make us worthy to live in obedience, according to His will; to live in the hope of eternal life with our Saviour Jesus Christ, which has been promised to us after the resurrection of the dead. To Him is everlasting glory, amen.
Thursday, 8 May 2014
Abba Stratios the hermit
During the reign of one of the Orthodox kings over Rome, there lived a Roman prince who was responsible for one hundred soldiers. Filled with the grace of God, he expressed to the king his desire to leave this materialistic world and seek the company of God as a monk in the wilderness.
He sailed to Alexandria and then travelled on foot to Tor Sinai...This took place two hundred years after the death of Abba John Aklimakos, the writer of 'The Ladder of Virtues of the Sinai Fathers, and Abba Anastasi of Sinai, the guardian of monks'. During Abba John's time, there were two hundred and fifty monks residing in the Sinai monastery. Abba Stratios dwelt in this monastery in strict ascetism; being fervent in spirit and in the love of our Lord Jesus Christ, and so he was clothed with the 'eskeem' of monasticism.
After spending several years living within the monastery and serving his fellow brothers with sincere love, he asked his spiritual father for his blessings and permission so that he may venture into the wilderness to dwell there. He left, taking with him a head covering and a palm branch and went praising God saying, "I will lift up my eyes to the hills, from whence comes my help? My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth" (Psalm 121:1,2).
He kept walking until the Lord led him to a cave within the inner wilderness, and there he dwelt, in strict ascetism and fervencies and relentless spiritual struggle. He fed on the grass which grew on nearby rocks and drank fresh water from natural springs. He spent all his days praying and fasting, and only when he felt the need, would he feed upon a handful of grass and a mouthful of water. He lived as such for twelve years...
The Lord revealed to him that after forty days, he will depart from this temporary world and be united with the beloved Lord Jesus Christ, and the whole host of saints and angels. When Stratios felt the hour of his death approach, he made the sign of the cross in the wind and immediately the wind carried him and brought him safely inside the monastery. There he met his spiritual father who had aged very much, and when he saw Stratios, he asked, "Who are you?" The saint replied, "I am your son Stratios, who resided with you in this monastery twelve years ago...I have come to you because my hour of deliverance is at hand, and I would like to spend the rest of my time on earth, here with my fathers in this monastery." His spiritual father embraced him with joy, then called all the monastery fathers to him, by ringing the bells.
Immediately the fathers gathered and when they saw their fellow brother and hermit Stratios, they all rejoiced. They gave him a separate cell, and after he entered, he closed the door...he then left the monastery without anyone seeing him, and went straight to the tomb of Abba John Aklimakos, the writer of the Sinai Fathers and Abba Anastasi. He knelt at Abba John's tomb so that the prayers of these blessed saints who lived two hundred years before him, may help him. As he was kneeling and praying an angel of the Lord appeared to him and said, "Stratios, the two saints John and Anastasi have come to you to bless you, O pure saint, before you depart from this world." Stratios immediately turned and saw the two saints saying to him, "We will also be present during your deliverance and the release of your soul, and we will pray for you in the cell your fellow brothers have given you." Having said this, they departed and Stratios returned to his cell.
He did not tell anyone of the things which took place, except his disciple to whom he said, "My son, after thirty seven days pass, open the door of my cell, as it will be the day of my deliverance...do not be neglectful in this command, for I want you to bury my body..."
As the day approached, they knocked on his door, but no one answered. So they pushed open the door of his cell and found him kneeling and covered from head to toe in rough cloth...Beside him they found a censor filled with coal and burning of sweet smelling incense. This signified that the hermit fathers had come to pray on him...
The monastery fathers prayed on him, then buried him with great reverence and honour in the place where their saintly forefathers had been laid. From his pure body came the beautiful scent of incense, which was a blessing to many. To our Lord be all glory, honour and worship now and unto the end of all ages, amen.
Wednesday, 7 May 2014
Anthony of Eygpt ... short story
Another report testifies that our monk was endowed with supernatural
gifts that enabled him to observe hidden and distant events....
In the case of our Desert Father, the incident once occurred. Two men were on the way to visit Anthony when they ran out of water. One of them died, while the other lay down on the ground and was waiting likewise for death. At the same time Anthony on his mountain summoned two monks who were his guests and instructed them, “Take a jar of water, and quickly take the road to Egypt. Two brothers were on the way here, but one is already dead and the other one soon will be if you do not hurry. This was just now revealed to me while I was praying” [59.2-3]. The rescue of the man dying of thirst was successful.
The saint often foresaw the arrival of visitors days in advance and could even tell the purpose of their visit. Occasionally Anthony could also observe the purely spiritual, invisible world and thereby gained insights into the personal destiny of the human soul after death and separation from the body. He was sitting one day on the mountain and suddenly spied in the air a man who was being led upward and was welcomed by others who were overjoyed. It was simultaneously revealed to him that it was the soul of the monk Amoun, who lived in Nitria, a thirteen days' journey distant from Anthony. One can imagine the amazement of his friends when Anthony told them that the monk, with who they were acquainted, had just died. About a month later brothers came from Nitria and were able to confirm that Amoun had died at precisely the hour when Anthony had seen his soul travel to heaven. In further visions the saint saw the fate of the human soul after death."
In the case of our Desert Father, the incident once occurred. Two men were on the way to visit Anthony when they ran out of water. One of them died, while the other lay down on the ground and was waiting likewise for death. At the same time Anthony on his mountain summoned two monks who were his guests and instructed them, “Take a jar of water, and quickly take the road to Egypt. Two brothers were on the way here, but one is already dead and the other one soon will be if you do not hurry. This was just now revealed to me while I was praying” [59.2-3]. The rescue of the man dying of thirst was successful.
The saint often foresaw the arrival of visitors days in advance and could even tell the purpose of their visit. Occasionally Anthony could also observe the purely spiritual, invisible world and thereby gained insights into the personal destiny of the human soul after death and separation from the body. He was sitting one day on the mountain and suddenly spied in the air a man who was being led upward and was welcomed by others who were overjoyed. It was simultaneously revealed to him that it was the soul of the monk Amoun, who lived in Nitria, a thirteen days' journey distant from Anthony. One can imagine the amazement of his friends when Anthony told them that the monk, with who they were acquainted, had just died. About a month later brothers came from Nitria and were able to confirm that Amoun had died at precisely the hour when Anthony had seen his soul travel to heaven. In further visions the saint saw the fate of the human soul after death."
Tuesday, 29 April 2014
ABBA NOUFER THE HERMIT
Abba
Bebnoda once said: I wanted to venture into the inner wilderness for the sake
of receiving
the blessings of the hermit fathers. I took some bread and water and walked for
four days.My bread and water had finished, but I continued walking for a further
four days until I was fraught with fear and the thought that I was going to
die. With the little strength that was left in me, I stood to pray. With the
Lord's encouragement, I continued walking for a few more days until I became
extremely hungry and thirsty, and in exhaustion I fell to the ground. I opened
my eyes and found a person standing before me. He touched my lips with his
fingertips and immediately my strength was renewed. After walking continuously
for another four days, I once again felt drained of any energy, so I lifted up
my hands and prayed to the Lord. Before me approached the person I had seen
before. Once more he touched my lips and my body and again my strength returned.After
God granted me this wonderful miracle, I journeyed for a further seventeen days
within the wilderness. In the distance I noticed a very strange looking man who
wore no clothes, but the hair on his body covered him like a cloak. As he
approached me, I became very frightened and so I ran to the top of the mountain;
I thought that perhaps he may be a mountain lion. He remained at the foot of
the mountain, but lifted his face towards me and said, "Come down my
brother Bebnoda and do not be afraid, for I am a man like you and I have dwelt
in this wilderness for many years because of my love for Christ." I was
astonished he knew my name, but felt that indeed he was filled with the Holy
Spirit, so at once I descended and knelt before him.
As we sat together, I
asked him to tell me about his life. He humbly responded, "My name is
Noufer, and I have dwelt in this wilderness for the past sixty years, living in
the fear of God. The beasts are my
friends and with them I share my cave. I feed upon wild grass and these
fruit-bearing trees and you are the first person I have seen in sixty
years." After a brief pause, he continued: "I began my spiritual life
as a monk in the Barida Monastery where one hundred and forty monks lived
together in love and harmony. Daily we ate together and praised together, and
the peace of our Lord filled our hearts. At that time, I was still in my youth
and diligently I learnt and observed the virtues and wisdom of my saintly
fathers, for they resembled the angels of God. One day I heard my fathers
speaking about the desert fathers who dwell within the wilderness. They said
that these fathers speak to God as if face to face, just like Elijah and John
the Baptist, so curiously I asked, "How could these desert fathers be of
higher spirituality than yourselves?" They answered, "My son, they
are the ones who are found just and righteous in the sight of God; we are
nothing in comparison for we live a communal life - eat and drink when we feel
the need, are served when we feel weak and we console one another in times of depression.
But as for the desert dwellers, they have none of this. From the start of their
ascetic life, they roam the wilderness in the intense heat of the day and the
bitter coldness of the night. They suffer from the severity of hunger, thirst
and exhaustion, and face relentless spiritual struggles and Satanic wars. But
all this they endure patiently and willingly because of their great love for
our Lord Jesus Christ and in expectation of their heavenly reward. Because of
their perseverance and their strong faith, the Lord sends His angels to
administer and serve them, just as it is written in the book of Isaiah the
prophet, "Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall
mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall
walk and not faint...when [they] seek water and there is none...I the Lord will
hear them; I the God of Israel will not forsake them. I will open rivers in
desolate heights and fountains in the midst of valleys; I will make the
wilderness a pool of water and the dry land springs of water..." (Isaiah 40:31,
41:17-18), and also in the Psalms of King David we aretold "The righteous
cry, and the Lord hears them and delivers them out of all their troubles"
(Ps 34:17).
Abba Noufer then said
to me, "Abba Bebnoda, as I heard these words, my heart was enlightened,
and so that night I packed enough bread to last me three days and went forth
from the monastery in the hope that the Lord will lead me to the place He has
chosen for me. As I left the monastery gate by night, I found standing before
me a person full of light. I was very frightened and wanted to quickly return
to my cell within the monastery. The lighted person approached me saying, "Do
not be afraid for I am the angel of the Lord; I have been with you from your
childhood, and I will accompany you always."Together we walked side by
side for about seven miles through the wilderness.
I then continued
journeying alone until I reached a small cave,so I knocked on the door and
said, "Bless me my father!" A saintly father with the face of an
angel emerged from within the cave with a warm smile. I knelt at his feet, but
he raised me up saying, "May the Lord bless you my dear friend Noufer,
please come in." I remained with him for a few days in order to learn and
benefit from his spirituality and wisdom. He taught me how I should spend my
time each day and he strengthened and forewarned me of the Satanic wars which I
shall face. Finally he said to me, "My son, you too must face spiritual
struggles, so arise and venture deep within the inner wilderness, and there spend
your time in prayer and praise, for the Lord has called you to live an ascetic
life." The saintly father accompanied me for four days until we found a
deserted fortress and beside it was a fruit bearing palm tree. He turned to me
and said, "Noufer, this is the place which God has chosen for you to serve
Him in." The hermit father remained with me for a month, during which time
he instructed me in the ways of virtues and godly deeds which I was to apply in
my life of ascetism. We continued meeting one another once a year, until he
passed away to the Heavenly Kingdom. I buried him with great respect and
reverence in the place where he spent his life worshipping God. I Bebnoda then
asked Abba Noufer, "Did you face any trials or hardships when you began
your life of hermitage in the wilderness?" to which he replied,
"Believe me my beloved brother, I have faced death many times; from
hunger, thirst,extremes in temperature to the extent that my body withered, but
I was patient and endured all things. Many times the devil would appear and
torment me, but my Lord Jesus Christ,blessed be His name, would comfort me and
save me from the traps of the enemy. This palm tree produces twelve baskets of dates
a year, and each basket feeds me for a month. I also eat wild grass and because
of God's great love, He makes the grass taste as sweet as honey in my mouth.
Now my brother Bebnoda, let us go to the place where I live."
We walked for about
three miles through the wilderness until we reached his fortress, and its
nearby palm tree. After we stood to pray, we sat together and spoke about the
many wonders of God. As the sun began to set, I saw before the entrance of the
fortress a loaf of bread and a jug of water. Abba Noufer said to me, "Get
up my brother and eat this bread and drink this water, for you have suffered
greatly along the way to find me." We shared the meal and even though we
ate until we were satisfied, there was plenty left over. We then stood to pray and
remained praying throughout the night. The following day I looked at Abba
Noufer's face and found it had become like fire. I was very frightened, but he
turned to me and said, "Do not be afraid brother Bebnoda, for our beloved Lord
Jesus Christ has sent you to me so that you may take care of and bury my body,
for the hour of my deliverance quickly approaches." I bebnoda then asked
him, "Father, do you think that the Lord will make me worthy enough to
live within your dwelling place after your blessed departure?" But he
replied,"My dear son, the only reason the Lord had in leading you here is
to bury my body, and then return to your monastery to tell your fellow brothers
the monks all the wonders you have seen,for in so doing they may praise and
glorify our Father in heaven." I knelt before him and said, "Bless me
my saintly father; may God be merciful to me and make me worthy of seeing you
once again in His Heavenly Kingdom." Abba Noufer remained praying on me
for a long while, then he turned to pray for himself with many tears before
lying on the ground with his hands outstretched, and quietly he released his
spirit. It was the 16th day of the blessed month of Baouna, and I Bebnoda saw
before me a whole host of angels praising and singing as they carried the soul
of the pure saint Abba Noufer saying, "Pure is your soul Noufer, for it is
without blemish; so let us present it as a beautiful 'korban' to Christ our
Lord, the King of Glory!" Immediately I took the tunic I was wearing and
tore it in two. I wrapped the body of the blessed father Abba Noufer with one
piece, and covered myself with the other. I placed his body in a small stone
cave, and prayed on him before sealing the cave's entrance.
The same hour Abba
Noufer departed, the palm tree withered and fell, and the fortress which was
his home crumbled to the ground. It was then that I realised the strength of
Abba Noufer's words when he told me that it was not God's will that I remain in
his place.
I ate the bread which
was left over from the meal we shared together and drank the rest of the water.
I then stood to pray before returning to the monastery. Suddenly, the person
who had come to me at the
beginning of my journey and touched my lips, again returned to me. He
strengthened and encouraged me and so I left Abba Noufer's blessed place
glorifying the Lord through His beloved saint Abba Noufer the hermit. May his
blessings be with us all, amen.
Sunday, 20 April 2014
The untold story of the Titanic’s Catholic priest who went down hearing confessions

Amidst all the tales of chivalry from the Titanic disaster there is one seldom told..
It is that of Fr. Thomas Byles, the Catholic priest who gave up two spots on a lifeboat in favour of offering spiritual aid to the other victims as they all went down with the “unsinkable” vessel. A 42-year-old English convert, Fr. Byles was on his way to New York to offer the wedding Mass for his brother William. Reports suggest that he was reciting his breviary on the upper deck when the Titanic struck the iceberg in the twilight hours of Sunday, April 14th, 1912. According to witnesses, as the ship went down the priest helped women and children get into the lifeboats, then heard confessions, gave absolution, and led passengers in reciting the Rosary. Agnes McCoy, one of the survivors, says that as the great ship sank, Fr. Byles “stood on the deck with Catholics, Protestants and Jews kneeling around him.”“Father Byles was saying the rosary and praying for the repose of the souls of those about to perish,” she told the New York Telegram on April 22, 1912, according to the website devoted to his memory, FatherByles.com. In the words of the priest’s friend Fr. Patrick McKenna, “He twice refused the offer of a place in a boat, saying his duty was to stay on the ship while one soul wanted his ministrations.”Nearly two weeks after the disaster, The Church Progress in St. Louis, Missouri wrote this moving tribute to the heroic priest:
In almost every line that has been written, and in every sentence that has been spoken, there stands boldly out above every other expression a picture of sublime heroism that will be copied into the pages of history. And well it may, for it is deserving of that honor.
But when it is, mention should be made of one whom pens and tongues have almost forgotten in their accounts of this awful sea tragedy. Among those who safely reached the land again no one seems to have been aware of his presence on the ship, but we may hope that many who meet him in a blissful eternity will praise God that Father Thomas Byles was there to administer absolution unto them.
Friday, 18 April 2014
Fruits of Medjugorje...
Battistina is definitely an Italian woman of our time. She is a 47-year old internet-based accountant. When her partner invited her to go to Medjugorje, she was not very interested. Then, one morning, on her car radio, she heard the song, often played by Radio Maria that had irritated her so much for years when she was looking for a program. Unexpectedly that song moved her deeply; her tears flowed continuously, without any apparent reason. She understood that the Blessed Mother was calling her. But I will let her tell her own story ...
"Since
a pilgrimage to Medjugorje in July 2012, everything has changed in my
life, nothing is like before! My conversion happened during the
adoration of the Blessed Sacrament. There were thousands of us outside
around the Rotunda. Suddenly I found myself on my knees and I had the
feeling that I was holding my living heart in my hands. I saw my entire
life scroll down before my eyes. I clearly saw the good and the bad, and
everything that seemed good at the time was becoming bad. I started to
feel a great pain about my divorce.
How could I have broken a promise made in front of God? These words echoed in my mind, 'let no one split apart what God has joined together'.
I then understood that my serenity was only in my mind because my heart
was ice-cold. I had always felt I was on the side of the "righteous"
and that I was a victim. Suddenly I saw how hard my heart was, I saw the
suffering of my 4 children, what my father and my in-laws had endured,
and I especially saw that I was not at all a victim. Actually I had
never forgiven anyone. When my oldest daughter, 9 year-old and in 4th
grade, had insisted on doing her first Holy Communion, I had told her it
made no sense; and my last child had not even been baptized! I saw all
the New Age books that I had bought over the past 20 years. How could I
have spent all that time reading and taking courses on self-development,
things that only ended up pushing me away from God and my family?
The
pain was getting stronger and stronger and little by little I found
myself with my face to the ground. I told myself, 'Lord, let me die
here, because I am not worthy of even lifting my head from the ground'.
At that moment I felt something like a huge hug filled with love, and a
joy that is not of this world. And I told myself, 'During 18 years I
thought I had given my children everything, but actually I had not given
them anything because I had not given them this. So if I stay here to
pray for them for the rest of my life, would that not be better than
anything that I could do if I went back home? If I, as a mother, the
soul of the household, had cultivated prayer instead of cultivating
useless things, my children would still have a united family today!'
I
understood that when you make the decision to shrug off the cross of
marriage, you are actually putting it on your children's shoulders.
Then
I felt that I had to keep the promise of faithfulness in marriage, so I
decided to make a vow of chastity. I offered this to God so that a
thousand families would not separate. My life partner felt the same way.
He also told me that we should consecrate ourselves completely. Some
priests told me that the vow of chastity was not necessary, others that
it was just something we had made up, but I was quite certain and
determined because it seemed so little in comparison with the infinite
mercy that I had received.
My
children thought I had become crazy because I was going to church and
hung up a crucifix in the living-room. My eldest daughter was very
irritated by my enthusiasm, and she told me, 'So what about all the
things you've been telling us for the past 18 years?' 'I am sorry,' I
told her. 'I was mistaken!'
In
November I went back to Medjugorje with my 4 children so that they too
would have an understanding and wisdom. I was very hopeful that they
would meet the Lord. I was watching them from a distance, and waiting I
thought, 'But if I, their mother, with the little love I am capable of,
am so happy to see my children pray, how much happier must our Heavenly
Mother be? And how unhappy will she be for her children who get lost!
During
the pilgrimage all of my children's hearts were touched. We started
studying the Catechism together. Nine months later, the youngest, 10
years old, was baptized, and all my children received Holy Communion
during the same celebration. This was the most beautiful day of my life!
It was as if I could see them all being reborn at the same time. My
partner and I stayed together for a year, living like brother and
sister. But every day I was asking God to be able to understand what His
will was, whether we should stay close to support one another, or be
separated completely. I kept that doubt in my heart for a long time but
little by little the Lord led our paths to grow apart because of work.
After
my conversion, I contacted my ex-husband again. For nine years every
telephone call had ended with yelling on both sides; so for a year we
did not talk to each other, and he would communicate with me through the
children. When I recognized my mistakes,I looked at his faults as the
consequences of my own, and then my resentment disappeared. I was the
one who should ask for forgiveness! Little by little I started to feel
the deep bond of marriage, sealed by God, and to feel once again a
spouse. Yet I did not understand it. I asked a priest if it was all
right to feel that I was a spouse, even though my husband was bonded to
another person and had a son. The priest answered that the sacrament of
marriage was indissoluble before God.
Now
the love that I thought had been cancelled or even had never existed, I
found it once again intact in the depths of my heart. I keep it in its
purity and I pray every day for the conversion of my ex-husband and for
all the families. I thank Jesus and Mary for the infinite grace that my
family receives every day and I continue onward on this path of
conversion."
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